I'm blown away by my negative thinking.
That's my most important personal takeaway from my holiday.
Let me give you a couple of examples of my stinking thinking.
- I landed a dream speaking opportunity and I was grumpy about it. I had to work my way into right thinking and it turned out to be beautiful in every way.
- I was off for nine days and I kept thinking about how I didn't want to come back to work, didn't want to come back to Columbus from our lake house, didn't want to even be a coach anymore.
I write these thoughts and I ask myself, why can't I be a person who enjoys the moment, who enjoys the fact that I am off...AT MY LAKE HOUSE....no irony wasted on me....? Why can't I focus on what's working rather than inventing problems?
I read something this morning that spoke to me so deeply. It said, "When you have heard yourself say 'yes,' when you really meant 'no,' you will find that a wonderfully enlightening adventure is in store for you."
I don't like this. Today this makes me mad.
I want life to hand me a wonderfully enlightening adventure after saying 'no.' But, fuck, it doesn't work that way. This vulnerability shit is excruciating at times.
Whenever I've had these thoughts in the past, I've always focused on my circumstances.
If it feels this hard maybe I shouldn't be a speaker. Maybe I need to coach differently and rethink my approach. Maybe I need to be living at the lake house year-round etc.
Yet, this time I thought...
Maybe the problem is me.
That hit me in a good, hard way. Why? Because it sounds true. Which means the mental gymnastics that come with all of my other thoughts are a waste of time.
I'm asking myself...
Am I addicted to chaos, negativity, pushing away exactly what I say I want so I don't have to become the next version of myself? Yes, I am.
Is this the disease of alcoholism impacting my thinking? Is it something physiological with my gut, brain and genes? I don't know the answers to these questions yet. Stay tuned.
I'm with you on the rollercoaster my friend. Doing the work of getting to know ourselves intimately is the hardest most rewarding work we will ever do. In the meantime, I'll keep riding with you. Let me know how your week's going on the Full of Herself Honor Line 614.887.7676
p.s. Would you be willing to share this with a woman in your life who wants to feel more full of herself and is struggling with self-doubt and overwhelm?