How skilled are you at holding yourself in your pain?
Your ability to hold yourself and anyone you lead (team, family, child) in their pain is a great predictor of your level of joy.
If you can't bear pain, you can't tolerate joy.
Did you know that joy is the most vulnerable emotion we feel? So, we tend to run from it, numb it, and doubt it more often than we might think.
In the last week, with several clients, we've been discussing how important it is to take off our problem-solver hat and put on our discovery hat. In other words, forget knowing the answers and instead be curious. Stop telling and start listening.
I would advise against telling someone what to do or how to improve when you hear or see their pain.
Your instinct as a doer and a high-achiever who knows a lot of things, is to solve the problem. You derive value from what you know so you want to display it. But that decision is rooted in insecurity. Meaning, somewhere along the way you decided that you are less valuable the less you know. This isn't true. It's a lie to keep you protected from the uncertainty of not knowing.
Trust me, I get it. Uncertainty is uncomfortable.
It's so tempting to move to the solutions; to be a good little girl who has the answers.
The trouble is, when we skip over the pain we rob the other person of its value. Assuming they are not wallowing, our first job is to provide the space for them to sit in it, feel it and not try to change it. Only after this step, can we begin to explore solutions together.
Remember, only when the pain is great enough do we become willing to make a change. It's our birthright to feel pain however uncomfortable it might make us.
As always, let's start with ourselves.
Ask yourself this week - you might even journal about it:
What pain do I want to feel that I'm currently pushing aside?
I trust us to feel our pain, that little bit more.
If you need help, call The Full of Herself Honor Line - 614.887.7676.
The best part is that the more you feel your pain, in a healthy way, the more joy is in your future.
You're the best.